As a consultant, most of my days are spent making observations to help clients make positive improvements. While the observations are often intended to be more thought provoking than concrete “how to”, the conversation around the observation is where the magic happens. We call it providing the “unvarnished truth.”
As a parent, you often need to guide your children. You need to let them observe the right behaviors all the time and “coach” them when needed. They often need to hear the unvarnished truth.
Somewhere along the line they mature and ask for their privacy. Doors get closed, parents get a bit shut out. It’s all good, all normal.
Around the same time, they start experimenting with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and other social media outlets. We always took the approach of letting the kids have their privacy, counting on the values we instilled to guide them. Yes, they were exposed to all the weirdoes in the world…just as they would be in real life. They knew we were there to help and guide. We can’t keep them in protective bubble wrap forever.
As my kids got older, they “friended” me on Facebook. As a Dad, I take great pride in being able to share in their lives. And while they may be mercifully shielding me from some of their more raucous exploits through judicious use of security settings, we share enough.
One thing learned the hard way is not to weigh in on their posts. A harmless comment, or even a simple “like,” is often met with immediate unfriending. I’ve always tried to live with the adage of “praise publicly, punish privately” and even praise is viewed negatively. While everyone has parents, they do not want you weighing in on their personal “wall” for their friends to see.
The same applies when the grandchildren come. Children do not come with an instruction manual, and as a grandparent you observe things where your experience can be helpful. You can’t offer observations without being asked, or you will be shut out.
I was having this very discussion with a recent grandmother. We were discussing her daughter and some “opportunities” for the grandchild.
“Have you shared these thoughts with Whitney? They seem very solid.” “No, I must wait until asked….and then you KNOW I will share my thoughts.”
Good advice indeed. Unless the grandchild is in mortal danger, I will respect my kids’ in their parenting skills, continuing counting on the values we instilled to guide them. When asked, I will bring all my experience to bear on the answer.